A Sense Of Belonging

The best way to prepare our children for a cruel, fast-paced world, is to fill their buckets so full of love and security that nothing can rattle them. 

To children, especially young ones, a parent’s love is God. It is survival. Our job is to show them that there is nothing they can do to lose our love and security; to show them that they will always belong with us. 

With each generation, we are seeing more and more children with birth defects,  auto Immune diseases, genetic mutations, and food allergies. It isn’t easy raising children who cant go with the flow of what is seen as ‘normal’, regarding food, activities, and lifestyle. 

As parents, we can get so focused on meeting the accommodation needs of our children (monitoring food, activities, etc), that we forget to make sure that our children don’t feel singled out or ostracized.  Giving our children a sense of belonging is just as important as taking care of their bodies. We need to make sure we are supporting them mind, body, and spirit. 

My family is completely gluten and dairy-free. When my daughter was born, she was very colicky until I cut both out of my diet. There wasn’t ever a thought of even attempting to see if my son could tolerate gluten or dairy because we decided very early on that my daughter would never be made to feel different at home. 

Everything that I cook is gluten and dairy free and even when we go out, I make sure that we only go to restaurants that can truly accommodate us versus bringing separate food.

My daughter knows that she has food allergies. She knows enough that if she wants to eat something that someone else is eating, she will ask them (usually the child, unfortunately lol) whether it has gluten and dairy (she’s four though so asking is already a big deal!).

She is used to being told out in public that she can’t necessarily share food with her friends. We remedy this by making sure that we bring plenty to share when we are with cousins. 

It is not a question of my daughter not understanding that sometimes the food that she gets is different. However, she knows that at home, everything is safe and she can have what everyone else is having. 

Home is the place where a child should feel the most loved and seen. Home is where every child should feel they belong. As parents, especially those of us raising kids that have different needs, we are in a position to decide how our children view their home and family life. Do they feel like a functioning member of the household? Do they feel like they are treated the same as everyone else? Or do they feel ostracized for their differences? Are they feeling shame and guilt for their needs? 

Questioning how our children view their position in the world is such an important aspect of parenting. We are saying that we are doing more than raising children to adulthood, we are making space to allow our children to be who they are and making sure they feel loved and seen along the way. 

So what does inclusion and support really look Like? 

If you have a child with a food allergy, one really simple way to make them feel like they belong is to put everyone in the household on the same food regimen. Instead of feeling restrictive, doing this provides really great incentive to find new recipes and products that accommodate everyone. Another way to bring in a sense of belonging versus the feeling of shame or being a burden is to choose restaurants that truly accommodate everyone’s dietary needs. No one likes to have to bring different food into a restaurant because the restaurant won’t accommodate them. 

*Specifically for gluten and dairy restrictions, I have found multiple restaurants across different states that are completely gluten-free and can completely accommodate dairy-free. To walk into a bakery or a restaurant and let my kids get whatever they want makes them so happy! 

 If you have a child who is overweight and you are concerned, first and foremost, please don’t ever speak negatively about your child’s weight to them. The effects that it can have on their self-esteem and body image can be devastating and lasting. As a family, if you all started eating healthier (more veggies and fruit, less processed foods, cooking from scratch, etc) it brings in the narrative of wanting everyone to be healthy instead of introducing shame surrounding weight and food.

Another simple idea could be to start exercising more as a family. Find a new physical hobby (my family all loves hiking and disc golf), go on more walks around the neighborhood, and just encourage everyone to go outside to play and have fun. Introducing healthy habits has been shown to be way more effective long term than trying to focus on stopping ‘bad habits’. That being said, kids are constantly going through body changes and chances are, if they have healthy habits, as they grow, their weight will naturally shift. 

If you have a sick child, your child will thank you for treating them like there is nothing wrong with them (within reason). I was incredibly sick on and off throughout my childhood, with some really intense bouts of illness in my teenage years. All I wanted was to be normal. I didn’t want my activities to be restricted because of my illness. I didn’t want to not have responsibilities and expectations. I just wanted to be normal. So if your kid is sick (this can apply to lasting or short-term illnesses or deficits: cancer, autism, migraines, adhd, etc) the best way to make them feel seen is to treat them like they are any other kid. They shouldn’t feel like their illness is a burden to you or themselves, it’s just life. And in life, we have responsibilities,  expectations, and boundaries. 

There are probably hundreds of other Scenarios that I could list out to talk about making your child feel included and supported. These examples are just ones that I have watched play out…

The world is going to do a fantastic job of making your child feel outcast, unwanted, and different. It is just the nature of the beast. As parents, we can’t change that reality for our children. What we can do is give them an upbringing that makes them feel safe. An upbringing that makes them feel loved and seen. An upbringing that lets them know that their existence is not a burden. 

If you are questioning how you are approaching your child’s needs, the good news is that you really care. You love your child and want to do what’s best for them. My hope is that this opens up conversations in your home about how to best support your child. How to make them feel seen and loved. It is never too late to change your narrative. You can always help rewrite your child’s story. The goal is to make every child look back at their childhood and think that their parents tried; tried to make them feel a sense of belonging and love beyond measure. 

Please feel free to reach out if you need to talk to a parent that gets It ❤️